i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
