i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
