**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
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only if we run a train.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.