We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
