Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
