So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
