So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
