So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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