got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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