what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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