So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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