I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
