last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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