So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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