Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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