I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
