Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
