Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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