it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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