Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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