Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
