My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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