I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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