2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
