You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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