he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
