also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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