First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
