Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
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