i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
