U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My bed smells like the plague
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