Your face is a jimmy john
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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