so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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