Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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