I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
