gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
