my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
