i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
