Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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