My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I am spending my child support on dildos
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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