Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
