He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
