and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
