I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
