Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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