Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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