Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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