Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
