My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
