I never want to see another naked old woman again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
