4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
