I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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