remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am one with the molecules
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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