Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
